for the most part...
i feel as if people really don't want to be around me.
i mean i feel like i'm an intelligent, polite, respectful individual. Sure I do have tendency of being a smart ass but thats really only if i know a person atleast somewhat well. There may also be an underlying reason, which could be so people think that I'm cool I guess.
I wouldn't say I'm the most interesting person in the world... but my being just naturally challenges many things considered the norm.
A. I don't drink,
B. I'm not really a big partier but thats due to A. and I really just feel awkward in those situations.
C. I'm black but I can't stand hip hop for the most part. A good 97% of it I hate.
And there's more things I'm sure but thats where I'm stopping.
Are these things bad? Not to me. I wouldn't change them. However I do feel like one, some or all of those do affect how people perceive me. I've been called square, an oreo, weird, etc and apparently most people don't like those. So which leads me to this:
I just can't seem to make friends that easily. Some of that is due to it being extremely hard for me to interact with people I know. Then there's the other side that I may be on the verge, but I somehow piss them off or annoy them and they change their minds. I really don't know how I piss them off, but I can see a bit of the annoyance. I can be annoying, I know this. Stems from just being needy for people to hang out with. If not I'm just playing xbox and making posts on twitter and/or facebook that no one really cares about. I wish I could leave a post asking if people wanted to do something and a couple of people would reply:
"I'm down! When do you plan on doing so?"
or something along those lines. Even at school... which is a school for musicians like myself, its damn near impossible to hang out with anyone. If I can't even get normal people to hang out as friends, how can I even THINK about trying to get a date? I've had what like 3 dates in my life time? Which is pretty pathetic considering I'm 25. I'm not a virgin, but its been so long that I might as well be. But I feel like a lot of this is because no one really wants to get to know me. So how can they know that there's a good thing in front of them? Friend or whatever else. How can they know that there are times when I can really shine? But I'm not perfect. None of us can claim we are. We all have imperfections, but I wanna know what makes mine so much greater to everyone else? I just don't see it. We all work on the imperfections we see and want to fix, but seriously what are these craters I seem have on the surface to these people?
Now I know you're probably thinking :
"M, you're just meeting the wrong people. "
Which is a valid point, but thats practically everyone I encounter... there's no way thats right. Or you may say its how yI carry myself. I can't walk around like I'm the greatest thing of all time because I'm not. There are things I'm decent at and things I suck at. Thats everyone. Maybe I do carry myself with sadness. Which I understand because I am... I mean I live in a city with the 2nd largest pop. in the country and I can't make a friend with a classmate or coworker? I can't get someone to collaborate or hang out or see a movie with? Seriously? Millions of people and yet none? I might as well be in a city in which the population is just me. People who say they are fine by themselves only say that because alone time is more of a rarity and probably undervalue friendship because its just so easy. Which a lot of these people are probably women because lets face it... when you're a woman.... more often than not, you have people around you for reasons good and bad. If a female is reading this, she's probably already found 8 reasons in which I'm wrong but meh I don't care.
This whole thing seriously bothers me, the fact that it seems like whatever I do, outside of just becoming a pure asshole that doesn't give a shit about anything or one, that it dead ends at the same point. Chronically this bothers me, especially the aspect in which its so damned hard to get a simple date. It all bothers me to the point that I can't sleep, so I take things so that I can, so that my mind will stop spinning for a few hours. I mean why can't I be respected as a great person? Why can't I be just completely adored by some girl that is practically floating when I look at her? Why can't someone throw me a going away party? I'm not saying some of this isn't on me because yea it is. I'm socially awkward, but how can I really beat that if no one even gives me a shot to see whats beneath that?
This is why in 2010 i HAVE to be successful. Because I feel like thats the ONLY way I'll get the things that my heart truly desires. Music is my key to unlock the box. Its not all gonna be good (the things in the box) but fuck it... it would be worth it, live my dream as a musician AND have people adore, respect, and hate me? I can't stand being invisible to the people I sit next to, even though I'm talking to them. I deserve better than that. I'm too good of a person to just feel like they have no one. I'm too good of a person to NOT have any one. Two diff meanings behing those btw. If what I'm doing is wrong then what do people want from me? I don't wanna feel like this anymore. I don't want to be alone anymore. I don't want to have to take medication so I can sleep anymore. I can only hold my front for so long.
so I guess thats my resolution: i HAVE to succeed. No excuses. There is no other way for me to get what I long for.
To the friends I do have I love you all... you're all somewhere else, doing great things and being with great people. I admire you all for doing this. I want the same for me. I never understood why its THIS hard to get on with people post High School.
Dear M,
ReplyDeleteI feel with entries such as yours, it becomes almost customary for respondents to pointedly retort that "you are perfect just the way you are" or something to that effect in order to alleviate how you feel. I feel that saying something like that would be unnecessary, because you most certainly seem quite self-actualized and don't seem to be self-loathing in the first place. You DO come across as self-doubting, but not self-loathing. And for that, my friend, I salute you. Because there are way too many of us out here who truly abhor our own existence, and for you to live amongst such a vast expanse of steel and cement,a gray and grim city, and still find yourself worthy of redemption tells me that you are truly commendable. (Well, that, and the fact that I know you!)
That being said, I am forced to point out to you, however, that as average as you may be - you are also quite unique. How do I know this? Because, my friend, I am not unlike you. You have yourself admitted that you tend to be sarcastic (and yes,although you may know the person, sometimes you are apt to continue with your sarcasm even when it may no longer be considered welcome) and that you have a quirky sort of nature. Now, at this junction, to be quite honest (and so as not to lose the point I am making by way of making it like an asshole) there is nothing wrong with being quirky, or different, or overtly sarcastic. Those things happen to have become solidified into your being - thus, you feel that you cannot change them. And why should you, right? Because there is nothing wrong with you! Nothing wrong with being different! You, my friend, are wrong. There is something wrong with being different, with being removed from the norm - and what is wrong within this, is that the world responds to you differently than others.
If you do not want to be treated any differently than others, than you must coerce yourself into the mold of the "norm". No, that does not mean you ought to suddenly start singing "skeet skeet skeet" while you get drunk on cheap beer, and dance naked on tables at a party. But yes, that DOES entail learning that as much as your opinions are sacred to you, there is no need to drive them (by way of an argument/or inherent sarcasm) into others. By learning that you don't have to DECLARE that you're not going to drink at a party (or BEFORE the party,for that matter), you just arrive, and don't take a drink! Oh,and remember to not sneer,make fun of,or look down on those that happen to be at the party and do (drink, and then proceed to act stupid; which they inadvertently will!).
Even then, those are just temporary fixes. What you need to realize though, darling M, is as simple as this. If YOU choose to be different, than you must either wait for people who can understand and become comfortable with this quirkiness. Or, you need to change yourself. If you're waiting for a miracle by which a unique man like you is suddenly "understood" by all - it will never happen. No, not even after you gain success. Oh, you'll definitely have a lot more people to hang out with, and I do wish you all the success in the world! Not because, I care about you finding people to spend time with, but because you have TALENT, and for that, I respect you and wish the best for you. But having people around you, is not equivalent to having those people UNDERSTAND who you ARE. So if you are looking to be understood and appreciated for who you are -- sorry,as recursive as this statement may be (and annoying too), you gotta hold on & be strong and wait for the right people. People who choose to stick around to find out the YOU underneath all the quirks and oddities. And if you cannot wait, dear M...you must dissipate. Dissipate within the homogeneous realm of normalcy. Hope you understand, M...we who are different will always have this burden to bear.
Dear whoever you are.... you have already misunderstood some of what I said. I don't force my opinions on drinking and whatnot... its more that I go somewhere and I'm not drinking and then i tell them and then I become the tasmanian wolf of the party. :P But I appreciate your long windedness. Much success to you as well. :)
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