Rants in the kitchen?! Oh no!

Alright... so lets talk about women. The Available Single type.

You ready?

Lets go!

They don't exist. Nope. Not at all. Ok ok... the partially exist. Single women exist yea... but available is a bit broad. Its like a job... you tell them that you're available for work from open to close, but the reality is you may not want to open or close... ever. Thats the same with women. Sure they may be "available" but not available to YOU. Sometimes... yea... I see why they'd have that filter... few of them have it to spamblock the dumbasses and good for nothing no goal having cheating self absorbed assholes. The other say 85-90%, have the gate (EQ class is in effect right now) set so that the good guys with brains, respect, goals, etc can't get through. So if you're one of the latter... they might as well be married or taken (some ARE taken... but only in their mind. Funny thing is... its enough for them to not be available to you). It's the same effect. I think its even worse if you're an intelligent black guy... like myself. Black, White, Latina women all seem to want the same thing if they go for a black guy... a dumbass. Then they go and complain about him, eventually getting to the point where they say fuck it and never date another black guy ever again (excluding black women... IMO they're rarely attracted to men outside their race). Asian women on the other hand very rarely date any one outside of their own circle if they do... they aim brighter and whiter. Seeing that the dumbass and black archetype is so popular with the media... i don't really blame them. I do find it unfair... but i can't say that they don't exist. Barrack Obama is one of the few intelligent black (i know he's mixed but most people call him black anyways) men that we see all the time, but if he wasn't Pres. he'd just be considered an uncle tom (more often anyways). Same goes for his wife... but there's been more intelligent black women in the media, for ex: Oprah who is a near billionaire. But back to being intelligent, male AND black... i feel like in the world of dating... instead of doors opening... they shut with the only available door usually being the door that says "White Women". Not that there's anything wrong with white women... they can be just as attractive or unattractive as anyone else. I said that they go for the dumbasses earlier which yea some of them do... but they also seem to like a smart black man. Idk if that seems more familiar to them as far as what their parents are like or... actually scratch that... there are black women like that as well... if they have intelligent and successful parents buts its kind of opposite with them... they usually go for the white guy over the smart blackie. This rant is starting to just spill all over the place with no resolution or ending... so i'm just gonna stop for now. It can go one for hours...days...weeks.... etc.

However i'm gonna make final statement:

Yes...I am black.
I have goals.
I am intelligent.
I have respect.
I have humility.
All of these.. great qualities in a person.

Really... there's no reason I should have difficulty with the "fairer" sex. However all those in the same pot make for a stew people are afraid to try. Afraid its not gonna be good. Its not familiar.

I know what you're saying "blah blah blah... going for the wrong women.". These are all the types. All roads seem to lead to the same dead end with no detours.

Its stupid.

Whatever.

both sides of the street...

So.. as mentioned in a previous post. There's a girl that I now have a thing for and I'm not too happy about it. Not that she's not attractive or anything, don't get me wrong. She's hot as hell... its just I feel its not worth the waste of emotion to have a "crush" on her. I mean first off she is madly infatuated with this other guy and we all know that when a person is like that its pretty useless to try to change their mind. Secondly I really don't know if it would even work out between us in the first place. On the other hand... I do wonder if it could, regardless of the differences. I also wonder what does that guy have that I don't really? I mean its obviously something but still you know the thought. lol. This all pisses me off pretty good. I do still have feelings for my ex and I'll never not love that girl anymore, but this new girl really does interest me all of the sudden.

I can't not think about her body next to mine or wonder what her lips taste like. I can't not imagine what her eyes look like in a moment of passion. I can't not wonder what it is she says when she wakes up next to me in the morning. But its all useless to wonder... its not gonna happen... even if it did, it would probably be just that one night and probably wouldn't be enough to keep her around. And I'm a relationship guy... not necessarily in search for someone to be with me forever but I can't do the one night thing.

This all just angers me to no end. I shouldn't be interested in this girl... there's many dope ass women out there, some i have met, and i don't really develop anything for them all, and it's no big deal. But for some reason I can't shake this one. I don't need this. Maybe you're saying "just tell her you're interested" which yea would be a good idea if they weren't enamored elsewhere and if they find you a bit on the "square" side.

I just don't know what to do... maybe I should just completely drop contact. Yea... that seems to be a great idea... unfortunately my car is at her house until I get back. Hmm... i think AFTER i get the car, that's what I'll do... yeaaa.... thats it.

first post of 2010...

you know...

for the most part...

i feel as if people really don't want to be around me.

i mean i feel like i'm an intelligent, polite, respectful individual. Sure I do have tendency of being a smart ass but thats really only if i know a person atleast somewhat well. There may also be an underlying reason, which could be so people think that I'm cool I guess.

I wouldn't say I'm the most interesting person in the world... but my being just naturally challenges many things considered the norm.

A. I don't drink,

B. I'm not really a big partier but thats due to A. and I really just feel awkward in those situations.

C. I'm black but I can't stand hip hop for the most part. A good 97% of it I hate.

And there's more things I'm sure but thats where I'm stopping.

Are these things bad? Not to me. I wouldn't change them. However I do feel like one, some or all of those do affect how people perceive me. I've been called square, an oreo, weird, etc and apparently most people don't like those. So which leads me to this:

I just can't seem to make friends that easily. Some of that is due to it being extremely hard for me to interact with people I know. Then there's the other side that I may be on the verge, but I somehow piss them off or annoy them and they change their minds. I really don't know how I piss them off, but I can see a bit of the annoyance. I can be annoying, I know this. Stems from just being needy for people to hang out with. If not I'm just playing xbox and making posts on twitter and/or facebook that no one really cares about. I wish I could leave a post asking if people wanted to do something and a couple of people would reply:

"I'm down! When do you plan on doing so?"

or something along those lines. Even at school... which is a school for musicians like myself, its damn near impossible to hang out with anyone. If I can't even get normal people to hang out as friends, how can I even THINK about trying to get a date? I've had what like 3 dates in my life time? Which is pretty pathetic considering I'm 25. I'm not a virgin, but its been so long that I might as well be. But I feel like a lot of this is because no one really wants to get to know me. So how can they know that there's a good thing in front of them? Friend or whatever else. How can they know that there are times when I can really shine? But I'm not perfect. None of us can claim we are. We all have imperfections, but I wanna know what makes mine so much greater to everyone else? I just don't see it. We all work on the imperfections we see and want to fix, but seriously what are these craters I seem have on the surface to these people?

Now I know you're probably thinking :

"M, you're just meeting the wrong people. "

Which is a valid point, but thats practically everyone I encounter... there's no way thats right. Or you may say its how yI carry myself. I can't walk around like I'm the greatest thing of all time because I'm not. There are things I'm decent at and things I suck at. Thats everyone. Maybe I do carry myself with sadness. Which I understand because I am... I mean I live in a city with the 2nd largest pop. in the country and I can't make a friend with a classmate or coworker? I can't get someone to collaborate or hang out or see a movie with? Seriously? Millions of people and yet none? I might as well be in a city in which the population is just me. People who say they are fine by themselves only say that because alone time is more of a rarity and probably undervalue friendship because its just so easy. Which a lot of these people are probably women because lets face it... when you're a woman.... more often than not, you have people around you for reasons good and bad. If a female is reading this, she's probably already found 8 reasons in which I'm wrong but meh I don't care.

This whole thing seriously bothers me, the fact that it seems like whatever I do, outside of just becoming a pure asshole that doesn't give a shit about anything or one, that it dead ends at the same point. Chronically this bothers me, especially the aspect in which its so damned hard to get a simple date. It all bothers me to the point that I can't sleep, so I take things so that I can, so that my mind will stop spinning for a few hours. I mean why can't I be respected as a great person? Why can't I be just completely adored by some girl that is practically floating when I look at her? Why can't someone throw me a going away party? I'm not saying some of this isn't on me because yea it is. I'm socially awkward, but how can I really beat that if no one even gives me a shot to see whats beneath that?

This is why in 2010 i HAVE to be successful. Because I feel like thats the ONLY way I'll get the things that my heart truly desires. Music is my key to unlock the box. Its not all gonna be good (the things in the box) but fuck it... it would be worth it, live my dream as a musician AND have people adore, respect, and hate me? I can't stand being invisible to the people I sit next to, even though I'm talking to them. I deserve better than that. I'm too good of a person to just feel like they have no one. I'm too good of a person to NOT have any one. Two diff meanings behing those btw. If what I'm doing is wrong then what do people want from me? I don't wanna feel like this anymore. I don't want to be alone anymore. I don't want to have to take medication so I can sleep anymore. I can only hold my front for so long.

so I guess thats my resolution: i HAVE to succeed. No excuses. There is no other way for me to get what I long for.

To the friends I do have I love you all... you're all somewhere else, doing great things and being with great people. I admire you all for doing this. I want the same for me. I never understood why its THIS hard to get on with people post High School.

Intro.

Ok... you don't know me. You probably never will. Should you care who I am? Am I important? Will I change your life on a spiritual and/or mental level? I don't wanna toot my own horn but uh... probably not. I'm just gonna do like the other millions of bloggers and say what I'm thinking. So yes there will be humor, you might even get it. lol. There will be complaints. There will be questions, etc. But I must warn you... it WILL be a bumpy ride.

M.